Using Boundaries In Your Relationship Watch Out

Using Boundaries In Your Relationship – Watch Out

Should you put your foot down in your relationship

Should you try to be more flexible in your relationship

We all make boundaries in relationships and they can often work well for us. We know what we can except and will tolerate from our partners. It is our self-protection and can stop us getting hurt. However, sometimes boundaries can cause misunderstanding and breakups. What are your personal boundaries and how are they working in your relationship? How about your partners boundaries – can you live up to them? Are your boundaries in harmony with each other?

Relationship boundaries vary dramatically from person to person and can be big or small.

Bamboo Boundaries

Examples of big boundaries

You will now accept your lover:

  • Having an affair
  • Using drugs
  • Hitting or abusing you
  • Going to prison
  • Hurting your children

 The big boundaries are what you might not tolerate and cause your relationship to end.

 Then there are the smaller boundaries

Examples of smaller boundaries:

  • Certain places you do not want them to go to
  • Friends you do not approve of
  • Actions you want them to do daily
  • Even food you do or do not want them to eat.

Again, the smaller boundaries are there to protect you but are fear based. You fear that if your partner does step over your smaller boundaries it will lead to the bigger boundaries failing. 

Not only do you have your set of boundaries, so does your partner have theirs.

Unfortunately they may not all mesh with yours. Some you may have set mutually but the rest are based on each of your fears.  This conflict of boundaries not meshing usually falls within the ‘smaller’ more personal bounderies and often leads to relationships failing. Your partner often feels like you are trying to control them and feel that you are acting like a control freak.

Perhaps they have already broken off the relationship for the very reason. Perhaps they are thinking about breaking up with you. People hate to feel controlled 

An important thing to remember is that you can and perhaps should be somewhat flexible with your smaller boundaries. 

If your partner wants to do something that may feel scary to you but falls within your smaller boundaries now is the time to talk about it with them. Talk with them before you put your foot down. Try to listen and understand why they want to do it. More importantly assess how you will really feel if it happened. Do you trust them enough? Are they trustworthy? Have they broken your trust in the past – maybe this caused you to have this personal boundary in the first place. How long ago was your trust broken? Days – then maybe it will be broken again, Years – then perhaps it is time to trust again. 

Our smaller boundaries may always be there but allow yourself to be flexible and if you feel it is appropriate move your boundary line to help mesh with your partners. Try not to control your partner – find the balance that will keep you both happy. 

If your relationship has already failed or you feel it is heading that way there is a lot of information available to get you on the right track again.  It is very important to start working towards repairing your relationship before it is too late and a great place to start is by reading my article Making Up After A Break Up

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